Relationship "Stuff" (Shit)

To quote Admiral Ackbar, "It's a trap!" And that is exactly what relationships are. At least to most men and some women. The way I figure it, men would be perfectly fine if women were just used purely as sex objects and were sometimes cool to hang out with, while with women they'd like to have the perfect man who knows everything she wants and can anticipate her needs and actually want her for her mind and body. Guess what? You're both stupid for thinking that either of those will happen. So here is a basic guide for how I think relationships should be in an idealistic situation. But I guess I should give some background on myself in terms of relationships...

I have been in a few serious relationships, I have been in some of those "Oh we're dating" type things, and I've had those one night stands where I've told the girl I won't call her later (and I told her that before we've had sex, so I made sure I wrapped it before i tapped it). I have been in love with two women in my life... the first one was a wonderful woman. Conservative, but she was open to try new things (video games, poker, etc. you perv). Eventually, I noticed that her expectations of me were a bit unrealistic, such as moving with her yet not living with her. To be honest I felt our relationship was starting to regress and she could never be fully open with me, yet I could be with her. She and I still talk on a somewhat regular basis and I wouldn't mind hanging out with her. I trust her and she's still a good friend of mine. I care about her and she cares about me, and I could go as far as to say I love her, but it just didn't pan out and I don't really see us ever getting married or anything. But because of her I took more interest in music, understood quality in music, saw the damage bad spending can do, learned a hell of a lot about Victoria's Secret, and figured out what I wanted in a woman.

Of course after our breakup, I took it fairly hard because it was my first love. I was willing to move for her and I actually moved back to State College because I cared about her. But alas I am just a stupid hopeless romantic. After our breakup, a lot of girls expressed interest, and I had a few flings. After one incident, I couldn't take it anymore, had a bit of break... then had with a cool friend of mine (she's cute), then started sort of dated another chick (a trusted friend now), another fling (a whore who happened to be a friend's sister), another fling (friend of mine and a roommate of a previous fling), and then a friend with benefits deal. But I started to feel hollow. So eventually I started dating this one chick who had a kid, and for some reason she stopped talking to me and I with her, but with no animosity. Her and I are talking again... but just as friends. After this I started drunkenly hitting on this one female after I had played poker and eventually kept talking to her and trying to get to know her. She became the second person I fell in love with. The problem is she was married at the time. You ever hear of the lesson: "don't get involved with someone already involved?" Well I decided to take a shit on that rule and then piss on it for good measure. Our relationship was good, but she was a slightly jealous type. And it wasn't until after our breakup that I realized a few things. I won't put her down or anything, but long story short my confidence got almost completely destroyed, I have a deep-seeded distrust of women in general now and I am probably scarred for the rest of my life. Not a big deal, at least I am aware of it. But, she made me realize how good of a guy I was and how good I am capable of being, regardless of the supposed temper I have or my ridiculously huge ego (not my fault I am right so damn often).

Now, my own love life is hard to balance between schoolwork, hobbies (sports, working out, writing, poker), and work. But I do make time... but I realized a few things about relationships:
1) The person you are involved with has to not be involved with someone else
2) The person you are involved with has to have a clean track record (in terms of loyalty)
3) The person you are involved with has to be able to stand on their own.
4) The person you are involved with should never be afraid to be honest with you about anything.
5) ... has to be willing to accept you for who you are regardless (i.e. love unconditionally).

To elaborate on each based on its number:
1) Simple concept.
2) A girlfriend or boyfriend who has cheated before and/or has multiple times probably will again. Why? Because this person goes from one thing to the next and therefore is probably a whore and/or slut.
3) The ability to stand on one's own is important. If the person can pay their own bills, maintain their own place and knows what it's like to be single for at least a few months, then odds are they are reliable and won't mooch off of you. If a person has never really been single, or had no responsibility in the previous relationship... that's a red flag.
4) Omitting the truth can just be as bad as lying. It can fuck up one's trust in the relationship and thus make the relationship regress.
5) You can't change people. You can influence them slightly or show how good something works out for you, but you can't change their true personality. To think that is borderline insane or stupid.

Now I have set up two couples that got married and thanked me for either having me introduce them to each other or keep them from breaking up. That's an awesome feeling. Both marriages have cracked the one year barrier and will continue to go strong (I hope).

By now, I am guessing that you the reader are going: "What the fuck? It seemed like you were anti-relationships, yet here you are hoping for them to go strong, what gives?" Well my curiously impatient friend, I am a hopeless romantic after all...

Relationships are good, but to get into one, especially when the last one fucked you over royally... take these tips into account:
1) No games, no bullshit. Don't lead people on to think one thing and then tell them to screw themselves. That just doesn't work and it burns a lot of bridges. A few women are interested in me right now (or at least seem to be) and I get mixed signals all the time. And yes, I find most of these women attractive and yes, sometimes I make the moves to show I am attracted to them. But the best thing to do is to go with the flow. I personally like to hang out with the people I am attracted to so I can get to know them better. There is nothing wrong with hanging out with people you like, now if you sleep with all of them (and I mean have sex) that could be a real problem.
2) Be honest. Always be honest with any question asked of you. I will never lie to anyone for any reason unless it's something to do with a gift they are about to receive, really funny and nobody should get hurt, or it's part of some game (poker?). I often tell women that I will never lie to them so they ask me questions like how many women I've slept with, how big my penis is, what I find to be the most attractive feature is in a woman, if I have a man-crush (Johnny Depp), and so on. When they realize I am serious, more often than not they are impressed.
3) Be yourself. Don't act like you're something you're not, then you're just lying. People hate liars.
4) For girls: be more direct with guys. Guys don't get subtle things very well. Be direct and to the point, men appreciate it. When asking a guy a question, let it be more open ended than the typically short answer, because it allows the guy to open up without realizing he is doing it.
5) For guys: try to pick up on the little things and do the little things. It goes a long way. Open doors for women, open that water or soda you get for her, when you notice something different about her then mention it to her (assuming you can figure it out), and remember as much as you can about her. Talk about her more than about yourself.

So hopefully you, the reader, learned something here. If not, you need to kick your own ass.

So women, be direct and openly honest with guys. It helps solve a lot of headaches.

Guys, do the little things and treat women as a friend first, it will go a long way.

Now children, remember that relationships go into these steps:
1) Initial attraction (something has to attract you to the person to talk to them)
2) Acquaintanceship
3) Friendship
4) Good friends
5) Relationship
6) Engagement
7) Marriage

Sometimes a lot of people stay at certain levels. My roommates are both girls and they will always stay good friends. I love them to death and they are like my sisters, but I'll never get involved with them romantically (nothing against them, I just don't see them that way). Some people I know will be acquaintances because I don't go out of my way to hang out with them that much.

And some people can bounce around. I've known some people who were married, got divorced, and are now just good friends. But that's a rarity. In general it progresses as stated above. But if it regresses, it can go to pure hatred... but that's a whole different ball game.

I hope this helps both sexes out, because we're all stupid when it comes to the opposite sex.

New Application Process To Be My Girlfriend or Go On a Date With Me

Okay ladies, it's that time again.

I actually did receive applications and did a few dates and did have a girlfriend for awhile... so let's see if this works again... however I have changed a few things... please copy and paste, then email to me at ultimatexman@hotmail.com the final answers of the process. Thank you very much.

What is your...
1. name?

2. birthdate?

3. race? (done for statistical purposes)

4. Religious background?

5. Educational background?

6. Criminal background?

7. Sexual background?

8. Sexual orientation? (yes I had a lesbian fill out my application before)

9. Favorite movie(s)?

10. Favorite actor(s)/actress(es)?

11. Favorite type of films?

12. favorite food?

13. favorite beverage (alcoholic or non)?

14. favorite book?

15. favorite author?

16. favorite animal?

17. favorite subject to discuss?

18. favorite dictator/leader whether it be religiously, politically, economically, or socially?

19. favorite fairy tale?

20. favorite type of music?

Do you....

21. like horror films?

22. like romantic comedies?

23. consider yourself romantic?

24. prefer to kiss or be kissed?

25. prefer to be on top or on bottom (yes, I went there.. zing!)?

26. prefer boxers or briefs?

27. prefer a hairy, shaved, or trimmed chest?

28. prefer long hair or short?

29. want something serious, or just a fling?

30. want children in the future?

31. already have children?

32. like sarcasm?

33. like dry humor?

34. like karaoke?

35. prefer beer or liquor?

36. like to cook or have someone cook for you?

37. like to work out?

38. have trust issues?

39. have a history of cheating?

40. self sabotage relationships out of fear of commitment, thus causing a self-inflicting spiral of further confusion and possible aggression towards men? Just kidding this isn't a real question.

40 (real one). have siblings?

Are you in possession of or own a...

41. pet? If so what type?

42. Car?

43. Job?

44. House?

45. Education?

46. Illegal drugs?

47. Legal but really fun drugs?

48. a deck of cards?

49. a video game system?

50. a computer?

Are you into....

51. Sex?

52. Drugs?

53. Rock'n roll?

54. Sports? If so, what type?

55. Gambling?

56. Poker?

57. Video games?

58. Travel?

59. Furthering knowledge?

60. Cinema/arts/cultural development?

The next questions are hypothetical situations... your responses give me a gauge as to how knowledgeable, witty, or crazy you are.

Situation 1: You are abandoned in the middle of nowhere. There is nobody around within 200 miles. You were allowed to bring five objects with you. They must be objects you can carry, what are they and why?


Situation 2: You find out your ex has been cheating on you with your best friend, and it's been for the last month. How do you handle the situation?


Situation 3: Your most positive parental figure is on his or her death bed, and askes to speak with you alone in the hospital. You go in, and he or she askes you to pull the plug on the machinery keeping him or her alive. Do you do as he or she wishes? Explain.


Situation 4: You are pinned down due to heavy enemy fire. You are more than likely doomed and going to die. Who do you wish you could give your final good bye to, and why?


Situation 5: What is the air speed velocity of a swallow carrying a coconut?


Okay, so that's the application process, I look forward to reading them.

Observe and Report Review

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It's been awhile since I have given a review, so deal with it.... the movie I am reviewing is Observe and Report starring Seth Rogen, Ray Liotta, and Anna Faris. I have to say I liked the role Ray Liotta played as it was very similar to many of his other characters and Anna Faris also played a character one would associate her with... but Seth Rogen was not nearly as funny in this film as he was in many others. He set the bar high with Superbad and Pineapple Express. But this film was disappointing for his level of performance... and I will explain why with the breakdown.

Plot:
Ronnie Barnhardt (Seth Rogen) is on a mission to stop a flashing pervert at the Forest Ridge Mall, where he is the head of mall security. Brandi (Anna Faris) is flashed by the pervert and is horrified by the event. Brandi is Ronnie's dream girl, and Ronnie is determined to catch the pervert. Enter Detective Harrison (Ray Liotta), who tries to gather information in order to catch the pervert. Ronnie on the next day has to deal with a burglary that caused some damage in the mall on top of the pervert case, where he must interact with Detective Harrison again. Ronnie feels threatened by Detective Harrison and goes down to the police station in order to get the forms needed to become a police officer. Ronnie then goes on a ride-a-long with Harrison, who then drops Ronnie off at a bad part of town. It is here that Ronnie catches a kid drug dealer and beats up six other drug pushers and brings the kid downtown.

Ronnie then goes out on a date with Brandi... and it ends up with her drunkenly having intercourse with Ronnie. After a psychological test, Ronnie finds out he can never become a police officer as he failed the psychological exam, this begins a downward spiral to which he realizes that Brandi is a whore and confronts her. This results in him causing damage to the store she works and being asked to leave the mall. He is then forced out and put in jail. After a few days of recovery he goes to the mall and sits in the food court, where his former coworker comes out to him... and then the flasher arrives. More antics occur...

The plot is rather weak. The development of the romantic interests was subpar with the Brandi character, but his coworker named Nell is a well developed character. His interaction between his fellow security guards is also very entertaining. But this story is basically about a disillusioned person who is trying to do the right thing. The action scenes were well done, but the plot overall was subpar and overall only mildly entertaining.

Plot Rating: 4.

Acting:
All characters were rather believeable, the only problem is that Anna Faris and Ray Liotta seem to be typecasted into the roles they have done here. The actions scenes between the actors and any interaction the Seth Rogen has is rather phenomenal and was a pleasant surprise. The most interesting role was that of Nell, played by Collette Wolfe, as she was the most genuine of all the characters.

Acting rating: 8

Music:
The music seemed to flow well between scenes and actually fit them. This is no John Williams overture or anything of that sort, but as with many Seth Rogen films, the music selection was well done and is hardly anything to complain about.

Music Rating: 9.5

Special effects:
There were little to know special effects other than the action sequences, to which seemed very feasible and legitimate. Of what was done with special effects, it was done perfectly.

Special effects rating: 10

Overall rating: 31.5 out of 40... with most of it suffering due to plot. It you like stupid random occurances, then this movie is definitely up your alley. It is, more than likely, worth a movie rental at the store.

The Alcohol Theory

Hello readers, I am sure some of you were intrigued by my previous post about how I had an alcohol theory... well here it is: the Alcohol Industry is keeping the economy alive. I know you think I am crazy, but let's just think about this on a macroeconomical scale.

First of all, one works to make money and at times one will go to the bar. This person buys many beverages over the course of time, resulting in payment for said beverages. Often, the server or bartender who made or served the drinks receives a tip of some sort, which means he or she receives money to spend on bills. This is the most direct effect... but let's expand a little bit with the consumer...

Alcohol consumers also tend to smoke more and eat more while drinking, this results in the cooks having a job and making money, as well as the establishment selling more products. The tobacco industry, food industry (and distributors), and alcohol representatives also are making money through multiple consumers. Billiards, darts, and other types of games (the boxes at the bar are common) results in more money being spent in other industries.

Many bars have certain cable packages, especially sports bars. This results in the cable company and the networks (and the NCAA, NFL, and other sports groups) making money because of the patrons at your local bar.

Rather interesting... what about the aftermath?

Well for the random hookup, idealistically the birth control (condoms) industry does better as people like to get laid. Some people get too drunk and are responsible, therefore calling taxis or riding the bus, resulting in those forms of transportation making more money. Those who choose to drive drunk can get arrested or cause an accident, thereby providing income to those in protective services and the auto repair business. Insurance companies are also making out in this deal overall (idealistically). Other late night food establishments (Sheetz, Denny's, diners, Perkins, Eat'n Park, and so on) make out from the late night crowd and the people who also served that drunken crowd and thereby receive tips and revenue from them as well.

Of course, these places have to be cleaned up and rugs must be kept clean and such. Therefore the sanitation industry also makes out on this deal. Especially dry cleaning, because Lord knows those Sorostitutes (it's a proven fact that 95% of all sorority girls are whores, it's also a proven fact that I make up facts) like to get drunk and puke all over clothing and linens. So the drycleaning industry does make out as well.

Simply put, macroeconomically speaking, the Alcohol Industry is keeping our economy afloat. So drink heavy and get home safe. Or get home in a police car. Either way you're a patriot.

Are You Making Fun of the Clothes I'm Wearing (Because You Can Tell I Dressed Myself in the Dark)

Greetings true believers! I am back to writing at least every once in awhile.

Of course some of you thought I was dead, and by all means I probably should have been on St. Patty's day... but here's what's been going on.

My new job where I supervise people, yet I am considered an hourly employee that isn't really a manager... yet am mentioned as a manager and go to meetings... yet can't get employee of the month since I'm a quasi manager.... wtf at any rate it's going well. I feel like a Professor at times, and at other times like a mentally challenged student with a touch of "please kick me, because my ass needs it". All is well here, just starting to get busy... its weird having staff though.

Eventually there will be a site called themanhalloffame.com where it will feature manly men who are awesome. Some examples: Sean Connery, Theodore Roosevelt, and many others. There will also be articles and such. To let you know, I will be a writer/comedian for the site, and in the form of knowledge I will write for each political figure. Any President who holds boxing and wrestling matches in the White House is awesome and is a man's man. Period. Way to go Teddy Roosevelt.

I also have a theory about alcohol, which I either will post on here or on there... (hell I might just let someone copy it from here and put it on the website). The basic premise here is that the United States' economy is being held up by the Alcohol Industry. So drink heavily you drunkards (Patriots).

I've also been busy with school. I should graduate in October of this year with an MBA/PA. That, along with B.A. in Political Science actually makes me certified to be full of crap.

I am in two Fantasy Baseball leagues that I care about... one draft is this Sunday, another one is on the 28th? I think. It's Saturday which involves a trip to Jersey where I will do a fantasy draft, probably go to a strip club, then perhaps go to Atlantic City. Gambling is always fun. I've done one mock draft and four practice drafts. I have no life. Btw, people are still drafting A-Rod in the first two rounds... he's out for a month. That's insane, especially considering there are some choices almost as good for the whole year until about the fourth round (A-Rod should be taken in the third, fourth at the latest... I can't blame late 2nd round picks, but anything earlier is a waste of a pick in my mind). I am relying on people taking big names and not young talent this year.

I'm also in two fantasy football leagues and a football pool this year. In my one league we're doing keepers and I have just wheeled and dealed in the hopes of improving my team for this year overall and next year. In doing the trade, I weakened someone in my division as due to his keepers and trades, he has no picks until the 5th round, while with my keeper situation and trades, I have 5 picks still in the first five rounds, even with one keeper in those rounds. Great trade. In my Jersey league, we'll redraft again and I wonder if I'll be commissioner again. I am hoping to make my third championship appearance. I think I might draft three falcons again, just for the hell of it. Actually I am pretty sure I can get three Lions pretty damn easily, two of which will probably do well this year.

At any rate, I am going to bed, I have to get up at 5:30 or so in the morning. My life sucks in that respect.

Long live the me of St. Patty's day, you were a good friend but Jesus I can't do that again.

It's Been Awhile and All Hell Has Broken Loose...

Okay I have seen a ton of movies, and not done any reviews... so I refer to Ngewo's site since he has reviewed most of the movies I have seen.

I started a new job, which consumes a bit of my time. I also have recently moved, as well as been doing school work. But enough about this...

Philosophical question. The question we ask here is: should desire overcome morality? Of course one could reply, why shouldn't it?

If you meet someone who is simply phenomenal as a person... do you pursue them?

I ask this question and it has a relatively simple answer. Yes. You do.

But what if this person is intelligent, has a sense of humor, conversation flows well with them, you both have similar tastes in movies, and so on. Is it worth the pursuit?

The answer again is yes. Now for the fun part...

What if you are are young and that person has a kid... is it worth the pursuit?

Odds are yes.... in that case you're a mature adult.

What if that person has a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Is it worth the pursuit?

Hesitated didn't you. Is that boyfriend a douche? Is that girlfriend a cheater? Do they hate each other or are they both unhappy? You, the reader, are not sure how to answer it. Neither am I.

Personally, I have always believed that a person should pursue, eventually receive and enjoy the thrill of happiness. I am not simply talking about gluttony or lust here, I am talking about true joy. I haven't experienced it much in my life, yet I still adamantly chase it like a dog going after a car. Hell, sometimes I don't even know what I'll do with it when I get it. The reason I feel this way is because if one is not happy, how can one make another happy?

Often one can witness others hooking up, dating, getting married, and so on because someone else makes them happy. Often these relationships fail, because the lack of self-sufficiency. Another reason for such relationships to fail could be related to unexpected changes... or putting up fronts. Many people wear masks, and for those who hang out with me know I am much more laid back outside of work and I am actually a very considerate and caring person. I put up a front of being a total smart ass, with occasional disregard for other people. It's a test to see whether or not people are worth my time. A defense mechanism that hides who I truly am... although I am working on overcoming this... as I feel people should be totally open and honest. It avoids negativity and future conflicts.

So... the moral of the story here kids is do things to make yourself happy, even if it makes you look selfish. Eventually, through being open and honest, people will realize how great you can be.

But what of morality... overall you'll be faced with many dilemmas. Ultimately, by pursuing happiness, assuming one is of a healthy mind, will automatically make the right decisions in order to reach for happiness... which then causes to help make others happy.

But if you have to reach happiness by doing something immoral... is it worth it?

That's a hard one. I personally would try to achieve happiness in a moral way... but don't we all get tempted by the "dark side"?

So do your best to make the right decision... but I can't blame one for taking desire over morality, because it will more than likely lead to happiness.

Application to Be My Girlfriend (Or To Have A Date)

This sort of worked for Tucker Max so... basically ladies (or guys, because that would be funny), I have a series of questions and such... some questions are odd, but then again I'm odd. Some questions you can put down multiple answers, like your favorite movies and such... just don't go overboard.

What is your....

1) Name?

2) Age?

3) Location (City or town you live in)?

4) Educational background?

5) Occupation (job)?

6) Favorite Movie?

7) Favorite Book?

8) Favorite TV Show?

9) Favorite Hobby?

10) Favorite Sport?

Do you like.....

11) Sex?

12) Giving massages?

13) Receiving massages?

14) Cooking?

15) Playing video games or board games?

16) Intellectual discussion?

17) Playing sports?

18) Ranting lunatics?

19) Dealing with people being retarded when drunk?

20) Being drunk yourself?

Do you....

21) Smoke (you can say socially, or when you drink, whatever)? If so, what do you smoke (cigars, pipes, cigarettes, or hookahs)?

22) Drink?

23) Do drugs illegally? (such as marijuana, which I really don't consider a drug, because alcohol is worse, but cocaine, LSD, etc) If so, which ones?

24) Have any kids? If so how many, how old, and boy(s) or girl (s)?

25) Have a boyfriend or husband that I should know about? If so, should I care?

26) Have trust issues?

27) Do you have diseases?

28) Have curiosities about other women?

29) Have any sort of fetishes I should be aware off?

30) Have any pets?

Do you prefer....

31) A night in, or a night out?

32) Simple and short, or detailed explanation?

33) For an amount of attention, how much would you like to receive, on a scale of 1-10? If you say 11 I am disqualifying you.

34) Walk on the beach, or a walk in the park?

35) Writing, or reading?

36) Dogs or cats?

37) For your friends, guys or gals?

38) Personality and substance or looks and money?

39) Humor or respect?

40) Beer or liquor?

Have you ever...

41) Eaten an odd animal before?

42) Seen a serval or even know what that is?

43) Played poker?

44) Gotten so drunk or high that you pissed outside in a parking lot?

45) Gotten so drunk or high that you made out with someone you didn't know at all? If so, did you like it?

46) Refused to learn from your mistake(s)?

47) Been told that you look like a smelly pirate hooker?

48) Been punched in the face? Or, you have punched someone in the face?

49) Almost set a building on fire by not paying attention to what you were cooking?

50) Played with barbies, trucks, or a magnifying glass burning ants?

Do you know....

51) How to speak another language? If so, what is it?

52) How to give a massage?

53) How to relate to people?

54) How to not conform just for a sense of belonging, showing that you have actual willpower and that you are indeed the personality you perpetuate yourself to be, thus allowing you to be true to yourself and not leading me to think that you are dead inside, like many people are? (Yes, I deliberately made this question long, and obviously, you can be like "wtf?")

55) How to play Halo (1, 2, or 3)?

56) How to play strategy games?

57) How to shop like a man (in other words not take forever and a day just to find a pair of shoes)?

58) How to accept blunt honest? And hopefully, appreciate it?

59) How to handle jealousy?

60) How to effectively communicate anything with me in an honest and blunt manner?

Random questions....

61) What is the air velocity of a Swallow carrying a coconut?

62) Who is the most recent person to hit six hits in a game in MLB (Major League Baseball)?

63) If you could be any sort of animal, what would you be, and why? Be as scientific or silly as you want.

64) Who is your favorite actor? Actress? And why?

65) Have you ever been to jail? If so, did you make anyone your bitch, or were you someone else's, or is that just some myth that shows and movies have made up?

66) Doc Brown, a character played by Christopher Lloyd in Back to the Future, got the idea for the Flux Capacitor in what fashion? (How did he get the idea?)

67) How many Rocky movies are there? Out of any of them, which ones do most fans consider the worst one?

68) Which do you find funnier: a fat man chasing a midget, both only in their underwear or an old person racing his scooter with another old person out in the middle of a busy intersection?

69) A train leaves Cleveland heading for New York going 60 MPH, while another train is heading the opposite direction, going 55 MPH, assuming the tracks are as the crow flies (straight line), who is going to get sued when these trains crash into each other on the track: the company in charge of the trains, the company's scheduler of trains, or the cities of New York or Cleveland?

70) Would you rather be a MILF, a supermodel, a sports star, a professional singer, or that chick that can drink me under the table?

I wonder if this will actually get any responses that are semi legitimate. If not, oh well, I don't really care. If I do, that would be hilarious. And please email these applications to ultimatexman@hotmail.com